Things I've been wondering about

I've been thinking a lot lately about colors.  I really do believe that the colors that surround us have an effect on us in someway.  I love bright colors, yellows, reds, oranges, bright greens and even blues.  But in the past couple of years I've moved away from wearing those colors.  I've been wearing more aquas and greens and blues.  These past few years I've also been up and down a lot with my depression and was thinking that I'd moved away from my favorite bright colors and replaced them with the more soothing blues and greens that I've been wearing for quite awhile now.

So in the past couple of weeks I've bought myself a few shirts and each time I went to pick up the red or the yellow or orange and thought to myself "no I'll jsut get the blue or green"  and then I'd pause and think 'well which color is that you really want?' So I bought the red shirts and the yellow and orange ones.  When I wear my bright colors it makes me more self concious, but not in a bad way just more aware of myself.  I used to be a more self confident person and somehow I'd lost that but think that I might be getting it back some. 

I don't know just a random thing that's been rolling around inside my head alot recently. 

Around and around...

There but for the grace of God go I...There but for the grace of God go I...

Around and around in my head, over and over and over again.  I'm feeling quite despondant tonight, weepy and just a bit lost.

Perhaps, I'll elaborate more later on tonight.

Demotivational Poster

I find that I often feel this very same way...

Thought of the day

So in my recovery I'm trying to keep and hold positive thoughts.  I ran across this today and am keeping it as my thought of the week.

Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.

Dr's appt

I had a follow up appt with my dr this morning.  To see how I was feeling and if the wellbutrin was working out for me.  I have to say that it is and it's fantastic!!  I haven't felt this good in a long time.  I don't want to sleep all day anymore and I actually want to do things now, it's amazing!  But I've still been having panic attacks, so now there's more medication for that.  It's called klonopin...I can take it as needed.  So when I start to have an attack or take it before I go somewhere where I know an attack would occur.  Like the grocery store on a saturday morning.  I've also got another medicine now for my headaches since the fioricet wasn't really doing it for me.  So I've now got naproxin, flexiril which she said is a type of muscle relaxer.  Now all this is just for the tension headaches and regular headaches that I get.  Unfortunatly, I can't afford to have migraines anymore.  She gave me a perscription for this stuff called Maxil or something like that that you're supposed to dissolve under your tongue, but my insurance dosn't cover it and it's $250 for 12 pills!!!  So sad for me.

On a happy note tomorrow Mauri and I have arranged a girls night over at her house.  I'm excited about it.  Get out of the house spend so quality time with the girls and do fun stuff!  

Days...

I am having the hardest time sleep training Eden.  She used to be so good at self soothing even when she was like 2 months old.  She used to suck the first 2 fingers on her right hand and but her left arm over her face and it worked like a charm.  Then for whatever reason she stopped doing it...and now I have the hardest time getting her to go down.  Now she pulls on her ears and I don't think that ends up being very soothing for her.  She goes down pretty good during the day but at night, it's a fight.

I'm stuck between the whole cry it out and answering your baby's needs philosophy.  She just wants me there but she needs to learn to put herself to sleep.  She gets so pissed off when I leave her at night and she screams, lord how she screams!  I've tried all the things I did with the other girls, letting them cry for 10 mins going to soothe them for a few and then putting them back down and leaving again.  I nurse her...but nothing but my presence is what she wants.  

It's driving me crazy, the child is almost 11 months old and I'm fighting with her for hours each night to get her to sleep.  My nights are my decompression time, my alone time my self time.  And for the past few months I haven't had that.  I deal with a screaming baby all night...

If anyone has any methods they'd like to share I am all ears.  I'm willing to try just about anything to get her sleeping at night.

The Judge.

Today we became gun owners.  There was a gun show this weekend in SL and Ron and Jeff went.  He bought The Judge  this is a .45 snub nose revolver with 5 chambers that you can shoot either .410 3 inch magnums, 2.5 inch shot gun shells or, of course, .45 ammunition.  Pretty kick ass, right? Another really cool feature of the gun is that it gives you a special little key so that you can lock the hammer, no accidental shootings.  Of course we're still going to keep it in a locked gun case and teach our girls about gun saftey.

So why, you may ask, are we becoming gun owners now?  Ron is convinced that our society is headed towards a total collapse, at first I didn't really believe him much but the more time goes by and the worse and more messed up things get, the less I'm doubting him at all.  We've also been building up our food storage like crazy.  It's always best to be prepared for the worst, right?

This whole fall of society is both a horrible and fantastic thing to contemplate.  It's kinda like a train wreck for me, not really something that I want to think about but just can't look away from either.  In so many ways thing would be better and in so many ways they would be worse.  I just have a feeling that something's coming, looming just over the horizon.  

Anyway, enough doomsday predictions for one day.  This weekend seems to have a lot of weight to it.  An old friend of mine Kristy is having her first baby today, and is pushing as I write this.  Another woman I know, Stephanie, tomorrow would have been her daughter, Camilles',  2nd birthday.  She drown in their hot tub last June when she was 14 months old.  Another woman I know, today is her birthday, and she hates her birthday, I mean really HATES it and has since she was 4.  So this weekend is heavy for me, my mind is full of so many turning points, milestones and different achievements.  

Ok, well I'm going for now.  Ron brought me home a wild boar sandwich from Cabellas that I'm going to try.  It's been so long since I've had wild boar that I don't even remember if I like it or not.

Pieces of the past.

I was going though an old box the other day and came acoss some old journels.  I used to write a lot, but somewhere along the line lost the habit of it.  Anyway, I thought I'd share something from then.  Because I've been in that same place these past few months.  Unfortunatly, this one is undated but it's either from 01 or 02.

Where Do I go From Here

Shifting, splaying, turning, swaying...

I fall down to my knees and I'm praying,

for answers to questions 

I've yet to find.

Praying for a reason behind the rhyme,

and the time_marches on with a

steadfast certianty all it's own.

An unstoppable, unconquerable force,

secure in it's own superiority.

And so my world is swiftly changing

in all to many ways that defy my understanding.

All of my energy has been straining,

dripping, pooling around my feet, on the floor.

Need to focus, clear my head

somehow move ahead but my sense of

direction_ well, I_ didn't notice, it seems

to have lost itself somewhere

or maybe it's just dead.

This lack of motivation, I hate

and my inspiration, I'm waiting.

So where is it fate, you're taking me,

in this world become all to fake.

To much more will I break.

It's time to make, it's time to take

a rest for my world weary mind.

Hello all

It's been a few days.  Easter weekend was nothing special really, Eden was sick all weekend with fevers and clingy, she's all better now though.  Me being the scatter brain that I am didn't bother getting the girls their baskets till Saturday night, huge mistake!  I know not ever to do that again.  I swear to you the candy isle was completely bare at the wallmart, completly.  Hardly any easter stuff left at all so I had to go with the premade ones.  Which didn't really end up being to bad, I found 2 that had the same stuff in them but in different colors.  They had flip flops, a purse, some little hair things and then, of course, the candy. I also had some really cute little lunch boxes that I'd bought sometime back for them. They're pink with this dancing little poodle on them and I did find a couple bags of chocolate eggs and other little bits and pieces.  They were quite happy.

Eden's turned into quite the chatter box, all the time talking jabbering away at everyone and her toys about, who knows what.  She's started standing up on her own and balancing with out holding on and she's quite proud of this accomplishment.  

The other 2 well they always are just a handful.  I've been sick these past couple days and I mean sick, fever sick.  I seem to be getting sick an awful lot these past couple months, I think depression must weaken your immune system or something.  

Yesterday, we got a 48 shut off notice from the gas company left at the house.  Ron's taken over paying the bills so I blame him.  I went online to pay it and somehow or other we owe them $400!!!  But last week Ron said he was smelling gas and turned off the water heater and the next day when he went to turn it on the pilot wouldnt' light...so I called the landlord though out the weekend and he didn't get back to me until Monday, saying that he didn't get the message until that morning.  

So he comes out to look at the water heater and calls the gas man to come out and check for gas leaks around the house.  Anyway, turns out there were 3 leaks, one from outside where the line comes into the house, another at the furnace and then of couse the water heater.  Also, the water control burner plate thing was broken so we had to get that replaced.  I'm think all these leaks could very well have contributed to our so high bills.  That and the fact that we're still paying them off from our Lehi house. 

So yeah, anyway, our life has been pretty freakin boring as of late.  I'm still waiting for warmer weather and it's so upsetting when it's warm (read 65-70, which is warm when you've been dealing with 12-35 degree temps all winter) for a day and then the temp drops back down again and snows or gets rainy.  It's dreary and rainy out to day as well and so far the highlight of my day was watching a bird, though my kitchen window, eat a huge worm.  Quite fasinating, really.

Random thursday stuff...

I'm feeling random today so here are a bunch of my random thoughts...

Mauri and I are taking the kids to chuckee cheese today and I'm pretty excited to get out of the freakin house!  We're going around 10:30 hoping to avoid any major congestion there.

I hate the rain and the snow, I woke up to cold and wet this morning and I don't like it!  Two days ago it was warm enough to play outside and not be cold.  What is up with this fickle weather!!

I so miss having a friend who I could share a bottle (or3) of wine with, that's you Carolyn...I miss the hell out of you!!

For that matter I miss being able to just buy your wine at the grocery store along with everything else...not having to drive to some stupid state run liquor store with jacked up prices!

I hate always being tired.

A lot of times I feel like somekind of liberal freak surronded by all these virtuous super conservative mormons.  I love my firends but it's kinda weird being the only liberal among you...

I want to go back to CA most days.  I'm miss having my mom and sister close by.

I like Utah most days, but I'm still trying to find my 'groove' here.  It's usually either to hot or to damn cold.  It is beautiful though!

I hate how my nail file is constantly disappearing, I put it in the same place everytime.  Where is it going?  I believe I have short, sneaky, theives running around my house.

I SOO need a vacation, I really want to go to the beach and I love hearing and smelling the ocean.

My friend Brittney, did a post about her birthday wishes and a couple of her wishes were that she could have 2 days without her kids.  I'm right there with you, Brittney!  But I think I'll take 3...one to sleep all day, the other to just read all day and the third to get a pedicure and buy some clothes that actually fit me.  

I need some tylenol...

I need to go and get ready to go.  

FYI

Just so you all know, I've lost my phone...I think it's at the wallmart.  I think it fell out of my purse while we were shopping last saturday.  I haven't been able to go see if they have it yet, or call for that matter...

So I have no phone, you can't call me.  If any of you need to contact me, e mail is the only way :(

Too much

Ok, I took this one down because it just feels like to much honesty for a tuesday morning...

Sigh

I'm feeling really awful today.  I fell down the stairs yesterday, all the way down from the top.  I bruised my hip bone and thigh really bad.  So...I didn't get much sleep last night because every time I'd roll over there was lots of pain.  So I woke up this morning and it's painful to walk, my head pounding away like some kind of demented jack hammer and my neck sore.  

It's going to be a very long day I can tell.  I wish I felt better because it looks like it's going to be a beautiful day outside.  And today, of course, is going to be one of the incessant "I want" days from the girls...

" I want this, I want that, mommy, mommy, mommy..." but of course all of this is said in the high whinning voice that every mother hates.  And of course from Beeba the screaming tantrums when she dosn't get her way.

Pray for me...today is just one of those days when I don't think I can do it all.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that I'm incredably nauseaus to just add the cherry on top of all the other wonderfulness of the day.

Hmmm

Sometimes I wonder about Emi.  I actually gave her a donut for breakfast this morning.  Now this is something unheard of in my house, it's usually the normal cereal or eggs or some other kind of nutrious thing I try and get them to eat.  But this morning I was tired and Ron had bought donuts the other day so I decided they could have one for breakfast, anyway, I digress...

I gave her a PINK frosted donut to eat and what does she do with it?  Any guesses?  She refused to eat it, said she didn't like it!!!  She didn't even take a bite of it, now I'm just wondering how many children you know who'd pass up a pink frosted donut...

Flashback Friday!

Welcome back to Flashback Friday, hosted by the lovely Miss Tara!  I'm getting back into the swing of things and thought I'd play along this week.  Sorry, I have nothing "eastery" to share but instead I thought I'd share my most favorite picture of me of all time.  

and while it's not particularly eastery I am wearing a beautiful yellow dress and a green cardigan...so it's very springy, don't you think?  This is me on my 21st birthday.  And yes, I was *gasp* smoking, a nasty habit that I gave up many years ago.  But I was happy then, and care free and I think_beautiful.  I don't generally like pictures of myself but this is one of my very favorite.  

I've been meaning to post this

for weeks, but well, life seems to have gotten in the way.  As some of you may know, my granma died in December from cancer.  She was like a second mother to me when I was growing up, when my mother was a single mom working 2 jobs to try and support us it was my granma who took care of us.  She lived right down the St from us and almost all of my earliest memories contain her.

I was born in a small town in Florida called Crystal River and my granma, Sharron, was my father's mother.  My biological father wasn't such a nice man, but it wasn't becuase of his mother or his stepfather, my grandpa Ray.  They were/are amazing, loving and kind people.  My mother remarried when I was 8 and we moved to St Petersburg.  We still drove down and visited my grandparents often.  My dad (my step father but I refer to him as my dad because he raised me) was in the Coast Guard and we left Florida when I was 14.  

All that background is just to say that I never saw my grandma again.  Never went back to see them.  She never got to meet her great grand children, I never got to say good bye.  We were in contact over the years, phone calls and e mail.  But I will always regret the fact that I didnt' get to see her again...

My grandfather sent me this beautiful ring in the mail several weeks ago.  It is my legacy from her, this beautiful ring.  I wear it always now and think of her whenever I look down at my hand.