Aye, me...

...a broken computer that likes to turn itself off at random times and then not turn back on, sick puking children, out of town visitors, Dr's appointments and mouse extermination. This is what I've been up to the past week.

You'd think that having a computer programmer for a husband would speed up the computer fixing problem, sadly, no. It's still having major issues and Ron keeps saying that he's "fixed" it and that there's nothing wrong with it. I beg to differ.

Ron's ex Teneka and their daughter Jamie have been in town since last wednesday. We met up with them Friday evening after my Dr's appt and took them out to Pirates Island, the girls all had a really great time running around playing. They then came over to the house and we watched a movie and let the girls stay up till midnight...it was pretty insane. Saturday we met up with them again at around 4ish and took them to the Lehi Legacy Center to go swimming and then to the Asian Buffett for dinner. In the middle of dinner Emi suddenly threw up all over the table and floor and we sick throwing up the rest of the night and all of Sunday, too. She's much better today but now Beeba is sick and so is Jamie. Taking care of sick thowing up children is never any fun.

I had my ultrasound last Wednesday and I'm having ANOTHER girl, 4 girls, the teenage years will be trying. I'm 23 wks now and the due date is 21st of April though I'm sure she'll be born more the end of May or very beginning of April as my children like to arrive about 3 wks early. I'm still having lots of contractions, which, unfortunately, is a theme with me. I've been having very strong painful contractions for the past 2 1/2 wks now. The Dr says they're just braxton hicks and that with each pregnancy can come earlier and get stronger. Yay, me, I get to be in "labor" for the next 4 months!! God, I hate pregnancy.


My house has been infested with mice for the past couple weeks as well and after trying to get Ron to buy mouse traps everytime he went to the store finally had to take care of it myself after he told me that the store didn't have any mouse traps. It took me all of 5 mins to find them, right where I thought they'd be, next to the insecticides and bug killers. I caught and disposed of 2 last night. Good riddance!

That's it for now, I just wanted to jot down a quick update. I'm feeling kinda sick myself and am not sure if it's from cleaning up all the puke of if I'm actually getting sick myself...hopefull I'll be back soon.

Broken computer

So, I really wanted to write more of a post when I put up the pictures from the wedding but my stupid computer has been broken for the past week! Ugh, and even now I'm not so sure that it's fixed, it keeps randomly turning itself off, SO freakin annoying!

So anyway, yeah, hopefully I'll be able to go around and get caught up with everyone today it seems to behaving so far, I'm keeping my fingers crossed ;)

Oh and apparently, there is a video of the actual wedding ceremony for anyone that's intrested on Elise's blog here

Wedding Photos...Finally...

And here they are, the wedding pictures. Nothing to special, I was married in jeans. But none the less here they are.

Our Family

Ron and I

Ron and I

Annie and Uncle Jeff

Poor little Eden she was so tired.

Beeba!

Emi!

New Moon Pictures!

Here's some pictures from the New Moon party, we had such a great time! The before party was so much fun, lots of girls and lots of laughing and lots of desserts!

I won 3rd place in the trivia contest. There were 3 of us who got all the answers to the quiz right but I got the tie breaking question wrong. That's me on the end on the left, for those who don't know me well ;). Natalie made all kinds of really cute stuff, I picked out some earrings.


A couple group photos of all the ladies!

One giant step...

I've been meaning to post for the past couple days but I got side tracked reading this really awesome book that was suggested to me by a blogging friend, I've been totally engrossed!

Anyway, on Monday Ron and I went to the county clerks office and got our marriage license. So now we've got 30 days to make it official. I don't think I'm really going to make a big deal out of it, I just don't have the energy to make a huge production out of it. I just kinda want it all to be over with. Seriously, I'm so exhausted all the time that just thinking about it makes me even more tired.

So, I'm thinking we'll probably just go back to the clerks office and have it solomized there and then go out to dinner with the family or something. Maybe have a small reception next spring when I'm not pregnant. Because I know Elise would be upset if we didn't do something to celebrate the blessed event.

2 more days until Twilight...I need to get a black shirt. There's a dress code for the group ;)

New Moon

I'm a total dork and I freely admit it! I've got tickets along with a bunch of friends to go see New Moon on Friday night so this week is going to be my blogs Twilight week. Yesterday I just finished reading all the books again so I'm all ready for the movie :).

On Friday, my new neighbor and friend Dina and I are going to meet up with my old friends from Lehi for a before party with yummy food, trivia games and I'm sure lots of really neat prizes, I can't wait. After that we head off to the movie, let me just tell you that I've never found anything cooler than some of the thearters around here, I bought my tickets 2 months ago and I've already got assigned seats, how freakin cool is that?!

So, right now as excited as I am I'm really hoping that they've done a much better job with New Moon than they did with Twilight. I was not really to happy with Twilight, if I hadn't read the books I dont' think I would have liked it very much. So lets all keep our fingers crossed that it's worth watching...

Noah's Christmas Wish

Devon posted this on her blog the other day and I thought I should pass it along to all who read mine. This little boy Noah is dying of cancer and they Dr's have given him 2 weeks to live. He want's to celebrate Christmas this weekend and would love to get a bunch of Christmas cards. I say lets make his wish come true!! I looked this up on snopes and it's true.

I say let us all send this little boy a Christmas card and pass it on to your friends as well.

his address is here

Apple Cider Cheese Cake

Ok, so I got this recipe over a year ago and saved it becuase I thought it sound pretty awesome. I finally got around to making it the other day and it is dang good, so I thought I'd put up and share it with all the other cheese cake lovers out there :)

Apple Cider Cheese Cake

1 9" pie crust (I used a graham cracker crust cause I think they're super yummy)
4 packages instant spiced cider
4 TBL sour cream
10 oz cream cheese, softened
1/2 c whipped topping thawed
1 1/2 c canned apple pie filling
1 crunchy type granola bar

Spread apple pie filling on the bottom of pie crust. In large mixing bowl, beat cream cheese, sour cream and spiced cider mix until fluffy. Beat in thawed whipped topping. Pour (I don't know what they mean by pour, it was more like try and spread it over, there was no pouring involved when I made it) over apple pie filling and refrigerate. Crush granola bar and sprinkle on top just before serving.

Random Tuesday Thoughts

Since I'm trying to get back into the whole blogging thing I thought today I'd take a page from Cristin's book and do some randomness.

I woke up the other morning to find a huge sopping patch of carpet right in front of the kitchen tile. Of course I stepped in it with socks on! When I asked my children why the carpet was sopping wet, Emi told me that Beeba did it, she was watering her garden.

Eden has learned to take her clothes off. The other day I looked over to find her sitting naked on the floor legs spread with a spoon in her hand. I'll give you 2 guesses to figure out what she was doing. 30 secs later she peed on the floor, guess you can't really expect a 17 month old to go to long without a diaper.

My neighbor, Sarah, is an ICU nurse and was working Sat night, she said the ICU was full and that 60% of the paitents were people with H1N1. Several dying from it, I really starting to get kinda freaked out about it. I mean I personally haven't had the flu in over 10 years and have never gotten a flu shot but this year I'm seriously debating it. I think it might be hearing about all the pregnant women who have died from it. There have been several familes in my neighborhood who have had it.

My vacuum cleaner is clogged and I can't find where it is. My office REALLY needs vacuuming.

I love my neighborhood, the other day one of my neighbors boys came over in his boy scout uniform and asked me if he could rake up my leaves. He needed some extra service hours. A couple days later another couple boys came over and raked them up again. It's nice to have one thing I don't have to worry about doing.

Dreyer's peppermint ice cream is AWESOME and so is Pumpkin Spice egg nog.

I've been feeling kinda guilty because I actually prefer the cranberry juice with the high fructose corn syrup in it to the 100% juice one. The one that's 100% juice one uses apple juice to sweeten it and tastes like cran apple, I not a huge fan of cran apple. When I want cranberry juice I just want cranberry juice.

Last Friday we went to my old neighbor, Mauri's daughters birthday 5th birthday party and one of the party favors were these pink little cowboy boot cups the girls LOVE them and don't want to drink out of anything else.

Wow, I guess I'm pretty boring tonight I can't think of anything else to write about except that it's time to put my kids to bed! Time for some quiet and ice cream :)

Fall fun

The other day we had a bunch of fun over at our neighbor, Sarah's, house. We raked all the leaves up into a huge pile and all the kids had a great time jumping in them, throwing them and pretty much running around like little hooligans! Eden, sadly, was not apart of this fall fun, she was taking a nap. But we'll have some pictures of her up soon :)

Annie being chased by Preston, Gentrie and Emi
Baylee, Emi, Annie, Gentrie and little Sam in the background.

Baylee, Annie, Emi, Gentrie and again little Sam in the background

Baylee and Emi making beds.

Annie and Preston

Emi

Emi

Annie and Emi

Annie, Emi and Preston

Annie, Emi and Preston

Emi and Preston

Update

Tito and my sister got to go home on Saturday!

More sadness...

More sad news. My little nephew, Tito, has been in Oakland Children's Hospital now for almost 2 weeks. He was hospitalized earlier in the month with severe dehydration and pnemonia and was in for about a week. He was sent home once they got his fever to break and he started eating again. He was of course sent home with anti biotics, took those for a week but they didn't do anything. When he was done taking those and still wasn't coughing and started getting a fever again my sister took him back to the emergency room and they sent them to the Children's Hospital.

They did x rays and tests and discovered that his left lung was collapsed because he had so much fluid in his chest cavity and they intubated him to drain the fluid. They took the tubes out 2 days ago and were going to send him home but he now has air in his chest that is collapsing his lung and the fever has come back. They have him on oxygen to try to get the air to move/leave his chest cavity. So it looks like they're not going to get to go home after all. My poor sister has been living at the hospital with him for the past 13 days and poor Tito had to spend his birthday sick in the hospital with tubes in his chest. Thoughts and prayers would be greatly appreciated.

Hopefully I'll have some good things to post about soon. I took a bunch of picture of the girls playing in the leaves yesterday, I'll try to get those pictures posted this evening.

A Tribute

Today I am posting in tribute to a very dear friend, Darla, who on Tuesday, October 6th at 4:45 in the afternoon lost her fight with breast cancer. Although, I only knew Darla for a few short years her warmth, kindness, strength and genoristy of spirit made a huge impact on me. She was a truly amazing woman and I feel so very blessed to have had her in my life. Just 2 weeks ago Darla graduated from BYU and last week took a trip with her family to Mt Rushmore. She was going right up to the very end.

Her funeral was this morning at 10 am, it was bittersweet I laughed and I cried. It was nice to hear all the amazing things said about her by her family and friends. She touched so many people in her short life, she will be missed greatly. Please, all of you who read this, I ask that you take the time to say a short prayer for her family and all those she left behind.

I'm going back to school.

I think I've finally decided what it is I want to do with my life. I know, about time, right!? But I guess it's better late than never. Anyway, I've decided that I'm going to go back to school to become a midwife. I've been thinking about becoming a nurse for years but I think that a midwife would be a much better fit for me.

So, I guess this surprise pregnancy has brought along some benefits already. I've decided to go natural this time, use a midwife and go to a birthing center, and while I was researching the birthing centers I came across the one that I'm going to use and saw that they do midwifery training there and from the birthing center I found out about the MCU, Midwives College of Utah, and it all just kinda came together for me! I'm really excited about this and it just feels right. Now all I've got to do is find the money...

I'm Back...

I know, it's been forever since I posted anything, over 3 months...what can I say other than I've been outside enjoying as much sunshine as I can before the neverending winter descends on us. I love my new neighbors, they are a fantastic group of women and I feel so very blessed to have them in my life.

Not much of any major import has happened in the months I've been away. Lots of trying to keep my house cleaned, breaking up of arguments and squabbles, playing with the neighbors, eating popsicles and most of all trying to stay cool in my unairconditioned house. So, in short, it's been a pretty typical summer.

Beeba is eager for her birthday on the 20th so she can be a big girl. I'm still trying to potty train her. Emi is a little mommy and thinks she's the boss of everyone, she's a huge helper around the house though and is such a great big sister and is really good about helping her sisters out. Eden is a tiny little thing and now at 15 months is only 17lbs. She dosn't even look like she's old enough to be walking but now that she's been doing it for almost 4 months now she's an old pro. She dosn't realize how little she is and gets herself hurt a lot trying to do all the things the big kids do. She's still a little angel, such a sweet baby.

I do have some news though, I just found out 2 weeks ago that I'm pregnant, again. I was shocked and not to happy about the news but am adjusting to it. I'll have more on that soon but for now I'm glad that I actually got something down and am glad to get back to blogging. Until tomorrow...

Home again, home again...

Jiggity jog, I got back home last night about 10 and was so happy to be here.  It was a very long drive and it felt so good to get out of the car and just be in my own home again.  There was also a plesant surprise waiting for me inside, as well.  I had expected to come home to a bigger mess than what I'd left it in but wonder of wonders the place was clean.  Thank you SOOOOO much, Elise for cleaning up and for everything else you did while I was gone.  I don't know how I'll ever repay you.

I just wanted to put up a quick post, I'll be back later to tell about my trip.

I think I did it!

Ok, it looks like I've got this all pulled together and will tomorrow be leaving for sunny San Diego!  My amazing sister in law, Elise, has offered to come and pick up the girls at 5 from my neighbor, Sarah and then Ron will get them when he gets off work.  Man, Elise, I owe you more than I can say!!

I can't belive that I'm actually going to get to go.  I've got so much to get together today...

Arrrghhhh

Ok, so I've been trying to plan an escape because I'm in dire need of one and seriously haven't ever taken a night off from being mom in like 4 years!!  Anyway, my friend and old neighbor, Mauri, is driving down to Oceanside, Ca for a family vacation.  For those of you who don't know that's where I was living before we moved to Utah and my very dear friend, Carolyn, lives in Encinitas not to very far away.  So they're leaving sun and coming back on fri.  

It started off as a kinda joke last saturday at our girls craft night.  But then I started thinking more and more about it and was just like, yeah, I should totally see if I could work this out.  I haven't seen Carolyn in forever and I am in desperate need of a little get away for my sanity.  I have just been feeling so trapped and claustrophobic lately.  

Ron dosn't work on mon and I was going to just have him stay home on tues as well my neighbor, Sarah said she would help out and I was really hoping that Elise would be able to help out as well.  Her boss is out of the country all next week and she has to be in the office because she'll be the only management.  I just can't get it to work out and it's breaking my  heart.  I'm wracking my brain thinking of some way I can get it to but I can't see any solution.  Sarah said she would watch the girls wed-fri during the day if Ron could be home at 5 but he said that's impossible.  

This needs to work, it just has to!!  I'm visualizing and praying and everything else that I can think of...

Is it so wrong for me to want to take a couple of days away from my kids to even need to?  ARRRAAAHHHHH

What do you think

How do you like my new background.  I mostly feel that this is how my life is.  Rusty and falling apart.  The car especially, it's basic form is still there but it dosn't go.  It needs a lot of work and I've been trying to hard to get it to go.  I had the engine running for a bit but now...I guess it's back to the shop.

So tired.

It was a very busy unrestful weekend.  I'm so very tired all the time again and now I can't sleep at night either.  Every day I got without my meds gets worse.  Ron says that we can't get them this month either.  I don't know what I'm going to do.  I'm sinking again.

Saturday I had a very nice evening.  Mauri had girls night over at her house and it was good to see my old friends again.  It was nice to pretend that I was a normal functioning person for a couple of hours.  Nice not to have my families constand demands on my time.  Nice to just sit and be for a couple of hours.

Sunday was grocery shopping day and well, it was just grocery shopping.  Nothing very exciting at all.  So far not wedding plans.  I think that Ron dosn't want to do it at all.  That it all sounds like a hassle to him and that the idea of marriage offends him.  

Today, we spent the day outside with the neighbors while the children swam.  I didn't want to leave my house, just wanted to stay on my couch reading but I went out and the girls had a great time like they always do and it was so nice and warm out.  I'm glad I forced myself out of the house.  And agin it was nice to pretend for a few hours that I was normal well adjusted person letting her childen play.

Big news.

Well, I guess it looks like Ron and I are going to make it all official, we're getting married.  He told me this morning that Epic was going to pull my insurance at the end of the month.  I guess they don't accept domestic partnerships or common law marriages.  Stupid bible belt stuff I'm sure.  And even though it sounds exciting, a wedding, it's really not going to be much at all.  I had wanted to run off to Vegas and elope...but alas, it's not to be.  

Now, it's not that I'm not happy to get married...but I just never thought it would be forced on me so that I could keep my health insurance.  I had wanted to have something nice, not rushed.  Oh, well this really is the story of my life, lol.

I guess I'll post more information/plans once I know more.

Ready for spring!

We had such a nice day today.  Since the weather was so nice the neighborhood girls and I got together and had a little pool party over at my new neighbor, Sarahs' house.  It was a beautiful day, they said it was supposed to be in the 80's but I don't think it got that hot but still we had a great time.  

The kids played in the pool and on the swings, ate popscicles and chased each other around the yard.  Sarah and I painted our toenails and layed in the sun!  I'm so glad that it's getting warm again.  Winter seemed to just last forever.  I need the sunshine, it energizes me.  

Tomorrow we're going to the park with the neighborhood play group and after that I'm going to help Sarah plant her garden :)

Not so very Bitter, anymore...

I am so bitter right now.  I know that Mother's Day is a totally manufactured holiday, but come on it's one day out of the year when us overworked, under appreciated moms get a bit of the recognition that we deserve.  Everyone, that is, except me, I guess.

I am feeling so upset and depressed right now.  I was up at 5:30 this morning with an unhappy, not feeling well baby.  That was ok, it's not her fault she dosn't feel good.  Thing 1 and Thing 2 got up about 9 and I tried to get Ron to get up and make them breakfast so that Eden and I could take a nap.  He rolls over, grunts at me and started snoring.  Then comes the incessent 

"Mom, I'm hungry"

"Mom, I'm thursty"

"Mom, I want my vitamins"

"Can we have some chocolate, can we have some candy?"

I've got the mother of all headaches right now, Thing 1 and Thing 2 are having crackers for breakfast and I didn't even get stupid flowers.  Or the nap I so desperatly need right now.

I hate everything right now.

**************************************

Fast forward an hour and a half.  I'm feeling much less bitter about everything now that he's finally awake and out side smoking jerky :).  

*************************************

Ok, the day most definietly did not get off to a very good start.  But got much better.  After a nap my outlook on the world improved 5000%.  Sleep deprivation never brings out my best side.  Ron got up and was great after that and as I said above is making jerky today.  My mood has been on a very severe roller coaster these past 2 weeks.  I haven't been able to refill my perscription for the wellbutrin so I've been dealing with the nasty withdrawls.  Which just let me say are no fun at all.  I'm insanely moody and irratable.  

I haven't been able to refill it because our HSA (health savings account) sent us checks instead of a debit card, which the pharmecy at wallgreens won't take.  And we don't have the money to pay out of pocket for it right now.  At least not until Thursday.  So until then I get to be scary, emotional, crazy woman.

Thank god for my anxiety pills though!

Flashback Friday; Mothers Day Edition

Once again, it's time to play flash back Friday.  Who is hosted by the lovely Tara

This week we're going to flash back to my very first mother's day.  So we have a picture of me and baby Emi...my how she's grown.

Oh no, not again!!

Beeba had another seizure today.  I was on the computer and the girls were playing in the other room and I heard Annie start crying and heard her coming towards me I turned around to ask her what was wrong and she was lying face down in the doorway of the office.  I ran over and picked her up and she was unconscious and wouldn't wake up and was slightly blue around her mouth.  I tried to get her to wake up and she did after about a min and put her arms around my neck and then passed out again.  

Now she's sleeping on the couch and I'm freaking out because I don't want to have to deal with seizures again.  Ron told me to write down what happened and I did in a notebook.  I'm hoping and praying that this is an isolated incedent and that it won't happen again.  

It scared me really bad...I think we need to make an appt with the neurologist again.

Rest in Peace...

As some of you may know already, Ron's cousin, Becca took her own life last Tuesday.  I didn't know her very well but her death really shook me up.  She, like me, spent most of her life battleing depression.  I have now discovered, after her death that there were so very many things that we have in common and those things aren't really the best things.

It hit me so very hard because I know what it feels like to be in that deep dark place and think that you'll never find your way back to the light.  I know what it feels like to fake it everyday, just so you don't worry anyone, just so you can appear normal.  I know what it feels like to hate yourself.  I've spent this past week thinking about all of these things and being so incredibly thankful for everyone in my life.  For my family for my friends becuase I don't know that I would have made it this far without them.

Depression, is such an evil thing, such an awful self distructive thing.  It can come on with out a moments notice, like a wave knocking you off your feet, in an instant stealing away your balance and stability.  Or it can creep up gradually and before you know it you're curled up in bed unable to get up and face the day.  Everyday, normal things become huge insurmountable obstacles.  It steals away your sense of self and you're left feeling worthless and unloved.  It's my closest friend and very worst enemy.  I live in constant fear of it's coming to visit again.  Every day I'm feeling better, stronger and more able to handle things again.  

Her funeral was last Saturday.  It was a beautiful service and it felt very healing to me, like a huge release.  Ron's uncle, Dave is in a band and they played several really beautiful songs one of them Amazing Grace, which always gets to me.  Several of the things that her family members said about her so reflected the way I think and feel sometimes that it was very eerie.  They said that she loved life, she just didn't love herself, I've been trying to like myself better my whole life, it's a terrible thing to have to admit but I've never liked myself very much.  Her mother spoke of her faking it every day.  I've lived months at a time like that, faking it so that no one sees how black I am on the inside.  Faking it so that I don't worry anyone or become a burden.

It's all made me take a very hard look at my life.  I don't ever want it to be me in the blue box with my family all around crying.  I don't to let the depression rule my life.  I want to be stronger than it, I want to be present for my family.  I want to make it so that something good can come from this tragedy.  It's been such a wake up call for me.  I've started working out again and going outside and just working on putting myself back together, piece by piece.

There are so many beautiful things in this world.   So many things I've yet to do and discover.  

Things I've been wondering about

I've been thinking a lot lately about colors.  I really do believe that the colors that surround us have an effect on us in someway.  I love bright colors, yellows, reds, oranges, bright greens and even blues.  But in the past couple of years I've moved away from wearing those colors.  I've been wearing more aquas and greens and blues.  These past few years I've also been up and down a lot with my depression and was thinking that I'd moved away from my favorite bright colors and replaced them with the more soothing blues and greens that I've been wearing for quite awhile now.

So in the past couple of weeks I've bought myself a few shirts and each time I went to pick up the red or the yellow or orange and thought to myself "no I'll jsut get the blue or green"  and then I'd pause and think 'well which color is that you really want?' So I bought the red shirts and the yellow and orange ones.  When I wear my bright colors it makes me more self concious, but not in a bad way just more aware of myself.  I used to be a more self confident person and somehow I'd lost that but think that I might be getting it back some. 

I don't know just a random thing that's been rolling around inside my head alot recently. 

Around and around...

There but for the grace of God go I...There but for the grace of God go I...

Around and around in my head, over and over and over again.  I'm feeling quite despondant tonight, weepy and just a bit lost.

Perhaps, I'll elaborate more later on tonight.

Demotivational Poster

I find that I often feel this very same way...

Thought of the day

So in my recovery I'm trying to keep and hold positive thoughts.  I ran across this today and am keeping it as my thought of the week.

Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.

Dr's appt

I had a follow up appt with my dr this morning.  To see how I was feeling and if the wellbutrin was working out for me.  I have to say that it is and it's fantastic!!  I haven't felt this good in a long time.  I don't want to sleep all day anymore and I actually want to do things now, it's amazing!  But I've still been having panic attacks, so now there's more medication for that.  It's called klonopin...I can take it as needed.  So when I start to have an attack or take it before I go somewhere where I know an attack would occur.  Like the grocery store on a saturday morning.  I've also got another medicine now for my headaches since the fioricet wasn't really doing it for me.  So I've now got naproxin, flexiril which she said is a type of muscle relaxer.  Now all this is just for the tension headaches and regular headaches that I get.  Unfortunatly, I can't afford to have migraines anymore.  She gave me a perscription for this stuff called Maxil or something like that that you're supposed to dissolve under your tongue, but my insurance dosn't cover it and it's $250 for 12 pills!!!  So sad for me.

On a happy note tomorrow Mauri and I have arranged a girls night over at her house.  I'm excited about it.  Get out of the house spend so quality time with the girls and do fun stuff!  

Days...

I am having the hardest time sleep training Eden.  She used to be so good at self soothing even when she was like 2 months old.  She used to suck the first 2 fingers on her right hand and but her left arm over her face and it worked like a charm.  Then for whatever reason she stopped doing it...and now I have the hardest time getting her to go down.  Now she pulls on her ears and I don't think that ends up being very soothing for her.  She goes down pretty good during the day but at night, it's a fight.

I'm stuck between the whole cry it out and answering your baby's needs philosophy.  She just wants me there but she needs to learn to put herself to sleep.  She gets so pissed off when I leave her at night and she screams, lord how she screams!  I've tried all the things I did with the other girls, letting them cry for 10 mins going to soothe them for a few and then putting them back down and leaving again.  I nurse her...but nothing but my presence is what she wants.  

It's driving me crazy, the child is almost 11 months old and I'm fighting with her for hours each night to get her to sleep.  My nights are my decompression time, my alone time my self time.  And for the past few months I haven't had that.  I deal with a screaming baby all night...

If anyone has any methods they'd like to share I am all ears.  I'm willing to try just about anything to get her sleeping at night.

The Judge.

Today we became gun owners.  There was a gun show this weekend in SL and Ron and Jeff went.  He bought The Judge  this is a .45 snub nose revolver with 5 chambers that you can shoot either .410 3 inch magnums, 2.5 inch shot gun shells or, of course, .45 ammunition.  Pretty kick ass, right? Another really cool feature of the gun is that it gives you a special little key so that you can lock the hammer, no accidental shootings.  Of course we're still going to keep it in a locked gun case and teach our girls about gun saftey.

So why, you may ask, are we becoming gun owners now?  Ron is convinced that our society is headed towards a total collapse, at first I didn't really believe him much but the more time goes by and the worse and more messed up things get, the less I'm doubting him at all.  We've also been building up our food storage like crazy.  It's always best to be prepared for the worst, right?

This whole fall of society is both a horrible and fantastic thing to contemplate.  It's kinda like a train wreck for me, not really something that I want to think about but just can't look away from either.  In so many ways thing would be better and in so many ways they would be worse.  I just have a feeling that something's coming, looming just over the horizon.  

Anyway, enough doomsday predictions for one day.  This weekend seems to have a lot of weight to it.  An old friend of mine Kristy is having her first baby today, and is pushing as I write this.  Another woman I know, Stephanie, tomorrow would have been her daughter, Camilles',  2nd birthday.  She drown in their hot tub last June when she was 14 months old.  Another woman I know, today is her birthday, and she hates her birthday, I mean really HATES it and has since she was 4.  So this weekend is heavy for me, my mind is full of so many turning points, milestones and different achievements.  

Ok, well I'm going for now.  Ron brought me home a wild boar sandwich from Cabellas that I'm going to try.  It's been so long since I've had wild boar that I don't even remember if I like it or not.

Pieces of the past.

I was going though an old box the other day and came acoss some old journels.  I used to write a lot, but somewhere along the line lost the habit of it.  Anyway, I thought I'd share something from then.  Because I've been in that same place these past few months.  Unfortunatly, this one is undated but it's either from 01 or 02.

Where Do I go From Here

Shifting, splaying, turning, swaying...

I fall down to my knees and I'm praying,

for answers to questions 

I've yet to find.

Praying for a reason behind the rhyme,

and the time_marches on with a

steadfast certianty all it's own.

An unstoppable, unconquerable force,

secure in it's own superiority.

And so my world is swiftly changing

in all to many ways that defy my understanding.

All of my energy has been straining,

dripping, pooling around my feet, on the floor.

Need to focus, clear my head

somehow move ahead but my sense of

direction_ well, I_ didn't notice, it seems

to have lost itself somewhere

or maybe it's just dead.

This lack of motivation, I hate

and my inspiration, I'm waiting.

So where is it fate, you're taking me,

in this world become all to fake.

To much more will I break.

It's time to make, it's time to take

a rest for my world weary mind.

Hello all

It's been a few days.  Easter weekend was nothing special really, Eden was sick all weekend with fevers and clingy, she's all better now though.  Me being the scatter brain that I am didn't bother getting the girls their baskets till Saturday night, huge mistake!  I know not ever to do that again.  I swear to you the candy isle was completely bare at the wallmart, completly.  Hardly any easter stuff left at all so I had to go with the premade ones.  Which didn't really end up being to bad, I found 2 that had the same stuff in them but in different colors.  They had flip flops, a purse, some little hair things and then, of course, the candy. I also had some really cute little lunch boxes that I'd bought sometime back for them. They're pink with this dancing little poodle on them and I did find a couple bags of chocolate eggs and other little bits and pieces.  They were quite happy.

Eden's turned into quite the chatter box, all the time talking jabbering away at everyone and her toys about, who knows what.  She's started standing up on her own and balancing with out holding on and she's quite proud of this accomplishment.  

The other 2 well they always are just a handful.  I've been sick these past couple days and I mean sick, fever sick.  I seem to be getting sick an awful lot these past couple months, I think depression must weaken your immune system or something.  

Yesterday, we got a 48 shut off notice from the gas company left at the house.  Ron's taken over paying the bills so I blame him.  I went online to pay it and somehow or other we owe them $400!!!  But last week Ron said he was smelling gas and turned off the water heater and the next day when he went to turn it on the pilot wouldnt' light...so I called the landlord though out the weekend and he didn't get back to me until Monday, saying that he didn't get the message until that morning.  

So he comes out to look at the water heater and calls the gas man to come out and check for gas leaks around the house.  Anyway, turns out there were 3 leaks, one from outside where the line comes into the house, another at the furnace and then of couse the water heater.  Also, the water control burner plate thing was broken so we had to get that replaced.  I'm think all these leaks could very well have contributed to our so high bills.  That and the fact that we're still paying them off from our Lehi house. 

So yeah, anyway, our life has been pretty freakin boring as of late.  I'm still waiting for warmer weather and it's so upsetting when it's warm (read 65-70, which is warm when you've been dealing with 12-35 degree temps all winter) for a day and then the temp drops back down again and snows or gets rainy.  It's dreary and rainy out to day as well and so far the highlight of my day was watching a bird, though my kitchen window, eat a huge worm.  Quite fasinating, really.

Random thursday stuff...

I'm feeling random today so here are a bunch of my random thoughts...

Mauri and I are taking the kids to chuckee cheese today and I'm pretty excited to get out of the freakin house!  We're going around 10:30 hoping to avoid any major congestion there.

I hate the rain and the snow, I woke up to cold and wet this morning and I don't like it!  Two days ago it was warm enough to play outside and not be cold.  What is up with this fickle weather!!

I so miss having a friend who I could share a bottle (or3) of wine with, that's you Carolyn...I miss the hell out of you!!

For that matter I miss being able to just buy your wine at the grocery store along with everything else...not having to drive to some stupid state run liquor store with jacked up prices!

I hate always being tired.

A lot of times I feel like somekind of liberal freak surronded by all these virtuous super conservative mormons.  I love my firends but it's kinda weird being the only liberal among you...

I want to go back to CA most days.  I'm miss having my mom and sister close by.

I like Utah most days, but I'm still trying to find my 'groove' here.  It's usually either to hot or to damn cold.  It is beautiful though!

I hate how my nail file is constantly disappearing, I put it in the same place everytime.  Where is it going?  I believe I have short, sneaky, theives running around my house.

I SOO need a vacation, I really want to go to the beach and I love hearing and smelling the ocean.

My friend Brittney, did a post about her birthday wishes and a couple of her wishes were that she could have 2 days without her kids.  I'm right there with you, Brittney!  But I think I'll take 3...one to sleep all day, the other to just read all day and the third to get a pedicure and buy some clothes that actually fit me.  

I need some tylenol...

I need to go and get ready to go.  

FYI

Just so you all know, I've lost my phone...I think it's at the wallmart.  I think it fell out of my purse while we were shopping last saturday.  I haven't been able to go see if they have it yet, or call for that matter...

So I have no phone, you can't call me.  If any of you need to contact me, e mail is the only way :(

Too much

Ok, I took this one down because it just feels like to much honesty for a tuesday morning...

Sigh

I'm feeling really awful today.  I fell down the stairs yesterday, all the way down from the top.  I bruised my hip bone and thigh really bad.  So...I didn't get much sleep last night because every time I'd roll over there was lots of pain.  So I woke up this morning and it's painful to walk, my head pounding away like some kind of demented jack hammer and my neck sore.  

It's going to be a very long day I can tell.  I wish I felt better because it looks like it's going to be a beautiful day outside.  And today, of course, is going to be one of the incessant "I want" days from the girls...

" I want this, I want that, mommy, mommy, mommy..." but of course all of this is said in the high whinning voice that every mother hates.  And of course from Beeba the screaming tantrums when she dosn't get her way.

Pray for me...today is just one of those days when I don't think I can do it all.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that I'm incredably nauseaus to just add the cherry on top of all the other wonderfulness of the day.

Hmmm

Sometimes I wonder about Emi.  I actually gave her a donut for breakfast this morning.  Now this is something unheard of in my house, it's usually the normal cereal or eggs or some other kind of nutrious thing I try and get them to eat.  But this morning I was tired and Ron had bought donuts the other day so I decided they could have one for breakfast, anyway, I digress...

I gave her a PINK frosted donut to eat and what does she do with it?  Any guesses?  She refused to eat it, said she didn't like it!!!  She didn't even take a bite of it, now I'm just wondering how many children you know who'd pass up a pink frosted donut...

Flashback Friday!

Welcome back to Flashback Friday, hosted by the lovely Miss Tara!  I'm getting back into the swing of things and thought I'd play along this week.  Sorry, I have nothing "eastery" to share but instead I thought I'd share my most favorite picture of me of all time.  

and while it's not particularly eastery I am wearing a beautiful yellow dress and a green cardigan...so it's very springy, don't you think?  This is me on my 21st birthday.  And yes, I was *gasp* smoking, a nasty habit that I gave up many years ago.  But I was happy then, and care free and I think_beautiful.  I don't generally like pictures of myself but this is one of my very favorite.  

I've been meaning to post this

for weeks, but well, life seems to have gotten in the way.  As some of you may know, my granma died in December from cancer.  She was like a second mother to me when I was growing up, when my mother was a single mom working 2 jobs to try and support us it was my granma who took care of us.  She lived right down the St from us and almost all of my earliest memories contain her.

I was born in a small town in Florida called Crystal River and my granma, Sharron, was my father's mother.  My biological father wasn't such a nice man, but it wasn't becuase of his mother or his stepfather, my grandpa Ray.  They were/are amazing, loving and kind people.  My mother remarried when I was 8 and we moved to St Petersburg.  We still drove down and visited my grandparents often.  My dad (my step father but I refer to him as my dad because he raised me) was in the Coast Guard and we left Florida when I was 14.  

All that background is just to say that I never saw my grandma again.  Never went back to see them.  She never got to meet her great grand children, I never got to say good bye.  We were in contact over the years, phone calls and e mail.  But I will always regret the fact that I didnt' get to see her again...

My grandfather sent me this beautiful ring in the mail several weeks ago.  It is my legacy from her, this beautiful ring.  I wear it always now and think of her whenever I look down at my hand. 

I see a light

So I had a Dr's appt this morning and I'm ver happy with the way that it went.  I really like my new Dr.  I got a female this time, not that I didn't like my old Dr but I just felt that a female would understand my problems and have more empathy than a male and my old Dr is in Plesant Grove, not really to covienant to Orem.

Anyway, I'm really happy with the way it went, I got to talk to the Dr and a NP that she's training and it was great!  They perscribed me a new anti depressant, wellbutrin, and if this stuff is as good as it sounds than I'll be all set.  It's not an SSRI (selective seretonin reuptake inhibator) it's a norepinephrine and dopamine reuptake inhibator.  It's supposed to affect the pleasure centers of the brain and help with motivation, something I've been severly lacking.  It's also supposed to help with chronic fatigue and get rid of the sexual disfunction I've been having (sorry if that's TMI).  So I'm really hoping it works, I've got my fingers crossed!

I also got a prescription for my headaches/migraines that I'm happy about too.  It's called fioricet...so if any of you have any experience with it, I'd love to hear your feedback.  The biggest plus of it is that it's safe to use while nursing, woo hoo!

So, today I have a brighter outlook than I did yesterday and I am starting to see some light.  Also, my income tax return was deposited in my bank account this morning, woo hoo!  What a day, I think I'm going to buy a sewing machine tonight :)

I lied...

I do have recent pictures of Eden, I just forgot and didn't bother to look yesterday.

She climbed up in the chair all by herself and was so proud that she had to call me from the other room to show me what she did.

Playing at the Gateway Discovery museum.

Naked butt before  bathtime.

I do have recent pictures of Eden, I just forgot and didn't bother to looke yesterday.

Easing back into it...

So I'm easing myself back into it all.  I've started following everyone's blogs again and hope to be back to posting on a regular basis soon.  I'm seeing the Dr on Friday morning so I'm hoping to be feeling better soon.  

Beeba little Annie, Annie little Beeba

The girls, Emi and Annie had a sleepover with their Uncle Jeff and Aunt Elise a couple of weeks ago and she made these super cute collages of some pictures she took while they were there. 

Emi is such a little ham and loves having her picture taken.  She'd pose for you all day long if you wanted her to.

Unfortunatly, I don't have any recent pictures of Eden but I'll take some soon.  She has 3 teeth now the bottom 2 and one on top and is going to be getting the second top one any day now.  Teething has been really hard on her.  She can walk well behind push along toys now, too, she loves crawling up the stairs after her sisters and is quick to do so if I leave the gate down for a minute or two.  She's still a tiny little thing at only 15 lbs and 8 ozs but she's strong and healthy and is ready to be running around with her sisters.

Hello...

Just wanted to let everyone know that I'm still alive.  I'm just going though some stuff right now and keeping up with my blog and everyone elses has just seemed like to much to deal with right now.  I thank all of you for your caring emails and for checking in with me.  I hope to be better soon...

2 year olds and scissors do not mix...

After seeing mommy cut her hair yesterday, Annie decided that she needed one as well.  Lets just say that it didn't turn out so very well, shall we?  

I'm sorry but mullets are not an acceptable hairstyle for any of my children.

Here she is looking super cute after I fixed it for her.  So this makes her a Darla supporter as well!!  It was really upsetting to have to cut off all her pretty little curls though, I hope they come back...

New do.

Ok, so I know it's been awhile since I've done any kind of serious post or talked about life.  This is one of them.  As the title suggests I have a new haircut.  But it was a hair cut for a very special reason.  As some of you  may know my grandmother died of  cancer 2 months ago and now a good friend of mine, Darla, has breast cancer.  She's been sturggling with it for 2 years now.  It was in remission for a while but now has come back.  She has it in her hip, her liver, her lungs and just recently found, some in her ribs.  She was taking some pill form of chemo for awhile that didn't have as many terrible side effects as the IV form does (like losing your hair).  But now with the cancer being found in her ribs she needed to have more radiation and start the IV chemo.  

So in support I've cut my hair and am donating it to Locks of Love.  So I put it all up in a pony tail and cut it all off, 13 inches of hair being donated.  

I know it dosn't look like it but that is really 13".  I measured it 3 times.

Of course this picture you see above you was NOT what it looked like yesterday after I butchered it all up.  I tried to do it myself and lets just say it didn't look so great.  So this morning I went over to my neighbor Diana's and she cleaned it up for me and made me look presentable. Bless her!

It's been a long time since my hair was this short and last time I have to say that I was like 60lbs lighter!  But never has it been for a better reason.  We love you, Darla and we're behind you all the way!!!

Pipe Wrench Fight!!

My friend Lori sent me the link to this video yesterday and I thought it was so funny I had to share!

Take on Me: Literal Video Version - watch more funny videos

The Winner is...

YOU!
Now you too can be a winner like me! Lucky you! 
The first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me! My choice. For you.
This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:
1- I make no guarantees that you will like what I make!
2- What I create will be just for you.
3- It'll be done this year. (might be December 31st, but you WILL get something)
4- You have no clue what it's going to be. It may be a story. It may be poetry or an article on properly cleaning your face before a masque. I may draw or paint something. I may bake you something and mail it to you. Who knows? Not you, that's for sure!
5- I reserve the right to do something extremely strange :)

The catch? Oh, the catch is that you must repost this on your blog and offer the same to the first 5 people who do the same on your blog. The first 5 people to do so and leave a comment will win a FAB-U-LOUS homemade gift by me!
Happy commenting :)

Ugh

...and just like last friday I forgot to mention that Flashback Friday is being hosted by Tara.  So swing on by and play along or take a stroll through other memories.

Flashback Friday; Still sick :(

Woo hooo, it's flashback friday, and I get to play again and again it's with a picture I stole from my friend on facebook ;).  So it's another picture from high school with my girl friends!  This was the end of Junior year and I'm the one with black hair.  Can we say disgruntled youth?!?

Ughhh

I havne't been posting because I'm sick!  I've been laying on my couch feeling sorry for myself wondering why there's never anyone to take care of me when I don't feel good.  There are no days off from motherhood, and I just really want to curl up in a ball and sleep all day long.  But someone's got to feed the kids.

My house is a total mess, it seems like every dish I own is dirty and sitting on the counter and my carpets are in SERIOUS need of vacuuming.  So I'll get back to the whole blogging world when I resurface from all this filth.

Kick off Party!!!

Today begins the Kidz Kick-Off Party!!!  It's going on all week and she's got some really great prizes that she's going to be giving away!  Each day she's giving away 2 prizes, one for the moms and one for the kids all you have to do is go over and leave her a comment and you'll be entered in the drawing!  It's that simple, so go leave and leave a comment and look at all the other really cool craft ideas that she has up today!!  Good luck!

Terrible Dream!

It was so cute and funny, I just had to share it.  Emi was telling me about her dream last night;

Emi:  I had a terrible dream last night!

Me:  Oh, really what did you dream about?

Emi:  There was a giant turkey (spreads arms out to the sides)

Me:  A turkey?

Emi:  Yeah, and it was trying to eat me! (eyes very big and serious)

Me:  That's not good.

Emi: yeah, and I was there but there wasn't any food.

Me:  Wow, that sounds pretty crazy

Emi: yeah...it wanted to eat me.

Oh Yeah...duh

I forgot to mention that the Flashback Friday is being hosted by the lovely and wonderful Tara, so you can cruise on over there and play along if you feel inclined.  Or just go through others memories ;).  Have fun!

Flashback Friday!!!

Wooo Hoo, I'm so glad that I get to play along this week!  A friend of mine posted some old pictures from high schoo on facebook and I stole em!

So this is me in High School at the Military Ball (Air Force ROTC).  Junior year with my best girlfriends at the time.  For those you you who don't know...I'm the one in the gold dress.  Ahhhh, to be young again...

Why don't friends with kids have time...

A friend of a friend posted this on facebook and I loved it.  So, here it is for all of you to enjoy!  It gave me some insight, that's for sure ;)

Carolyn:

Best friend has child. Her: exhausted, busy, no time for self, no time for me, etc. Me (no kids): Wow. Sorry. What'd you do today? Her: Park, play group . . .

(Nick Galifianakis for The Washington Post)

Okay. I've done Internet searches, I've talked to parents. I don't get it. What do stay-at-home moms do all day? Please no lists of library, grocery store, dry cleaners . . . I do all those things, too, and I don't do them EVERY DAY. I guess what I'm asking is: What is a typical day and why don't moms have time for a call or e-mail? I work and am away from home nine hours a day (plus a few late work events) and I manage to get it all done. I'm feeling like the kid is an excuse to relax and enjoy -- not a bad thing at all -- but if so, why won't my friend tell me the truth? Is this a peeing contest ("My life is so much harder than yours")? What's the deal? I've got friends with and without kids and all us child-free folks get the same story and have the same questions.

Tacoma, Wash.

Relax and enjoy. You're funny.

Or you're lying about having friends with kids.

Or you're taking them at their word that they actually have kids, because you haven't personally been in the same room with them.

Internet searches?

I keep wavering between giving you a straight answer and giving my forehead some keyboard. To claim you want to understand, while in the same breath implying that the only logical conclusions are that your mom-friends are either lying or competing with you, is disingenuous indeed.

So, since it's validation you seem to want, the real answer is what you get. In list form. When you have young kids, your typical day is: constant attention, from getting them out of bed, fed, clean, dressed; to keeping them out of harm's way; to answering their coos, cries, questions; to having two arms and carrying one kid, one set of car keys, and supplies for even the quickest trips, including the latest-to-be-declared-essential piece of molded plastic gear; to keeping them from unshelving books at the library; to enforcing rest times; to staying one step ahead of them lest they get too hungry, tired or bored, any one of which produces the kind of checkout-line screaming that gets the checkout line shaking its head.

It's needing 45 minutes to do what takes others 15.

It's constant vigilance, constant touch, constant use of your voice, constant relegation of your needs to the second tier.

It's constant scrutiny and second-guessing from family and friends, well-meaning and otherwise. It's resisting constant temptation to seek short-term relief at everyone's long-term expense.

It's doing all this while concurrently teaching virtually everything -- language, manners, safety, resourcefulness, discipline, curiosity, creativity. Empathy. Everything.

It's also a choice, yes. And a joy. But if you spent all day, every day, with this brand of joy, and then, when you got your first 10 minutes to yourself, wanted to be alone with your thoughts instead of calling a good friend, a good friend wouldn't judge you, complain about you to mutual friends, or marvel how much more productively she uses her time. Either make a sincere effort to understand or keep your snit to yourself.

Write to Tell Me About It, Style, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, ortellme@washpost.com.

Kidz Kick-Off Party!!

I know you've all heard me talk about Kidz before, one of the sites my new friend, Tara runs.  If you haven't been there before you've got to go and check it out!  She's doing a kickoff party and giving away some really great prizes.  Each day she'll be giving away 2 prizes, one for mom and one for the kids.  

For those of you who don't know, Kidz is a web site dedicated to parents with special needs children.  She does so much fun stuff and does give aways all the time!  In fact that fabulous blanket that I just won was from her!  It's a great place to go for inspiration of all kinds!  So click on the linky button on the top right cornor of my blog and leave a comment to enter yourself to win some great stuff!!

Good luck! 

Girls, girls, girls!!

Just some cute pictures today...

In Wesley's walker at Ellie's 3rd birthday.  She'd actually been asleep with her head on the tray and looked soo cute.  Of course, as soon as we tried to take a picture of her she woke up...

Boxes are so much fun, don't you think?

"Take a picture of us, mom, take a picture of me loving Beeba!"

Due to the bad economy we've been forced to sell the girls beds and come up with other arrangements.  This is Beeba's new bed, she dosn't seem to mind the cramped quarters...