Home again, home again...

Jiggity jog, I got back home last night about 10 and was so happy to be here.  It was a very long drive and it felt so good to get out of the car and just be in my own home again.  There was also a plesant surprise waiting for me inside, as well.  I had expected to come home to a bigger mess than what I'd left it in but wonder of wonders the place was clean.  Thank you SOOOOO much, Elise for cleaning up and for everything else you did while I was gone.  I don't know how I'll ever repay you.

I just wanted to put up a quick post, I'll be back later to tell about my trip.

I think I did it!

Ok, it looks like I've got this all pulled together and will tomorrow be leaving for sunny San Diego!  My amazing sister in law, Elise, has offered to come and pick up the girls at 5 from my neighbor, Sarah and then Ron will get them when he gets off work.  Man, Elise, I owe you more than I can say!!

I can't belive that I'm actually going to get to go.  I've got so much to get together today...

Arrrghhhh

Ok, so I've been trying to plan an escape because I'm in dire need of one and seriously haven't ever taken a night off from being mom in like 4 years!!  Anyway, my friend and old neighbor, Mauri, is driving down to Oceanside, Ca for a family vacation.  For those of you who don't know that's where I was living before we moved to Utah and my very dear friend, Carolyn, lives in Encinitas not to very far away.  So they're leaving sun and coming back on fri.  

It started off as a kinda joke last saturday at our girls craft night.  But then I started thinking more and more about it and was just like, yeah, I should totally see if I could work this out.  I haven't seen Carolyn in forever and I am in desperate need of a little get away for my sanity.  I have just been feeling so trapped and claustrophobic lately.  

Ron dosn't work on mon and I was going to just have him stay home on tues as well my neighbor, Sarah said she would help out and I was really hoping that Elise would be able to help out as well.  Her boss is out of the country all next week and she has to be in the office because she'll be the only management.  I just can't get it to work out and it's breaking my  heart.  I'm wracking my brain thinking of some way I can get it to but I can't see any solution.  Sarah said she would watch the girls wed-fri during the day if Ron could be home at 5 but he said that's impossible.  

This needs to work, it just has to!!  I'm visualizing and praying and everything else that I can think of...

Is it so wrong for me to want to take a couple of days away from my kids to even need to?  ARRRAAAHHHHH

What do you think

How do you like my new background.  I mostly feel that this is how my life is.  Rusty and falling apart.  The car especially, it's basic form is still there but it dosn't go.  It needs a lot of work and I've been trying to hard to get it to go.  I had the engine running for a bit but now...I guess it's back to the shop.

So tired.

It was a very busy unrestful weekend.  I'm so very tired all the time again and now I can't sleep at night either.  Every day I got without my meds gets worse.  Ron says that we can't get them this month either.  I don't know what I'm going to do.  I'm sinking again.

Saturday I had a very nice evening.  Mauri had girls night over at her house and it was good to see my old friends again.  It was nice to pretend that I was a normal functioning person for a couple of hours.  Nice not to have my families constand demands on my time.  Nice to just sit and be for a couple of hours.

Sunday was grocery shopping day and well, it was just grocery shopping.  Nothing very exciting at all.  So far not wedding plans.  I think that Ron dosn't want to do it at all.  That it all sounds like a hassle to him and that the idea of marriage offends him.  

Today, we spent the day outside with the neighbors while the children swam.  I didn't want to leave my house, just wanted to stay on my couch reading but I went out and the girls had a great time like they always do and it was so nice and warm out.  I'm glad I forced myself out of the house.  And agin it was nice to pretend for a few hours that I was normal well adjusted person letting her childen play.

Big news.

Well, I guess it looks like Ron and I are going to make it all official, we're getting married.  He told me this morning that Epic was going to pull my insurance at the end of the month.  I guess they don't accept domestic partnerships or common law marriages.  Stupid bible belt stuff I'm sure.  And even though it sounds exciting, a wedding, it's really not going to be much at all.  I had wanted to run off to Vegas and elope...but alas, it's not to be.  

Now, it's not that I'm not happy to get married...but I just never thought it would be forced on me so that I could keep my health insurance.  I had wanted to have something nice, not rushed.  Oh, well this really is the story of my life, lol.

I guess I'll post more information/plans once I know more.

Ready for spring!

We had such a nice day today.  Since the weather was so nice the neighborhood girls and I got together and had a little pool party over at my new neighbor, Sarahs' house.  It was a beautiful day, they said it was supposed to be in the 80's but I don't think it got that hot but still we had a great time.  

The kids played in the pool and on the swings, ate popscicles and chased each other around the yard.  Sarah and I painted our toenails and layed in the sun!  I'm so glad that it's getting warm again.  Winter seemed to just last forever.  I need the sunshine, it energizes me.  

Tomorrow we're going to the park with the neighborhood play group and after that I'm going to help Sarah plant her garden :)

Not so very Bitter, anymore...

I am so bitter right now.  I know that Mother's Day is a totally manufactured holiday, but come on it's one day out of the year when us overworked, under appreciated moms get a bit of the recognition that we deserve.  Everyone, that is, except me, I guess.

I am feeling so upset and depressed right now.  I was up at 5:30 this morning with an unhappy, not feeling well baby.  That was ok, it's not her fault she dosn't feel good.  Thing 1 and Thing 2 got up about 9 and I tried to get Ron to get up and make them breakfast so that Eden and I could take a nap.  He rolls over, grunts at me and started snoring.  Then comes the incessent 

"Mom, I'm hungry"

"Mom, I'm thursty"

"Mom, I want my vitamins"

"Can we have some chocolate, can we have some candy?"

I've got the mother of all headaches right now, Thing 1 and Thing 2 are having crackers for breakfast and I didn't even get stupid flowers.  Or the nap I so desperatly need right now.

I hate everything right now.

**************************************

Fast forward an hour and a half.  I'm feeling much less bitter about everything now that he's finally awake and out side smoking jerky :).  

*************************************

Ok, the day most definietly did not get off to a very good start.  But got much better.  After a nap my outlook on the world improved 5000%.  Sleep deprivation never brings out my best side.  Ron got up and was great after that and as I said above is making jerky today.  My mood has been on a very severe roller coaster these past 2 weeks.  I haven't been able to refill my perscription for the wellbutrin so I've been dealing with the nasty withdrawls.  Which just let me say are no fun at all.  I'm insanely moody and irratable.  

I haven't been able to refill it because our HSA (health savings account) sent us checks instead of a debit card, which the pharmecy at wallgreens won't take.  And we don't have the money to pay out of pocket for it right now.  At least not until Thursday.  So until then I get to be scary, emotional, crazy woman.

Thank god for my anxiety pills though!

Flashback Friday; Mothers Day Edition

Once again, it's time to play flash back Friday.  Who is hosted by the lovely Tara

This week we're going to flash back to my very first mother's day.  So we have a picture of me and baby Emi...my how she's grown.

Oh no, not again!!

Beeba had another seizure today.  I was on the computer and the girls were playing in the other room and I heard Annie start crying and heard her coming towards me I turned around to ask her what was wrong and she was lying face down in the doorway of the office.  I ran over and picked her up and she was unconscious and wouldn't wake up and was slightly blue around her mouth.  I tried to get her to wake up and she did after about a min and put her arms around my neck and then passed out again.  

Now she's sleeping on the couch and I'm freaking out because I don't want to have to deal with seizures again.  Ron told me to write down what happened and I did in a notebook.  I'm hoping and praying that this is an isolated incedent and that it won't happen again.  

It scared me really bad...I think we need to make an appt with the neurologist again.

Rest in Peace...

As some of you may know already, Ron's cousin, Becca took her own life last Tuesday.  I didn't know her very well but her death really shook me up.  She, like me, spent most of her life battleing depression.  I have now discovered, after her death that there were so very many things that we have in common and those things aren't really the best things.

It hit me so very hard because I know what it feels like to be in that deep dark place and think that you'll never find your way back to the light.  I know what it feels like to fake it everyday, just so you don't worry anyone, just so you can appear normal.  I know what it feels like to hate yourself.  I've spent this past week thinking about all of these things and being so incredibly thankful for everyone in my life.  For my family for my friends becuase I don't know that I would have made it this far without them.

Depression, is such an evil thing, such an awful self distructive thing.  It can come on with out a moments notice, like a wave knocking you off your feet, in an instant stealing away your balance and stability.  Or it can creep up gradually and before you know it you're curled up in bed unable to get up and face the day.  Everyday, normal things become huge insurmountable obstacles.  It steals away your sense of self and you're left feeling worthless and unloved.  It's my closest friend and very worst enemy.  I live in constant fear of it's coming to visit again.  Every day I'm feeling better, stronger and more able to handle things again.  

Her funeral was last Saturday.  It was a beautiful service and it felt very healing to me, like a huge release.  Ron's uncle, Dave is in a band and they played several really beautiful songs one of them Amazing Grace, which always gets to me.  Several of the things that her family members said about her so reflected the way I think and feel sometimes that it was very eerie.  They said that she loved life, she just didn't love herself, I've been trying to like myself better my whole life, it's a terrible thing to have to admit but I've never liked myself very much.  Her mother spoke of her faking it every day.  I've lived months at a time like that, faking it so that no one sees how black I am on the inside.  Faking it so that I don't worry anyone or become a burden.

It's all made me take a very hard look at my life.  I don't ever want it to be me in the blue box with my family all around crying.  I don't to let the depression rule my life.  I want to be stronger than it, I want to be present for my family.  I want to make it so that something good can come from this tragedy.  It's been such a wake up call for me.  I've started working out again and going outside and just working on putting myself back together, piece by piece.

There are so many beautiful things in this world.   So many things I've yet to do and discover.