It hit me so very hard because I know what it feels like to be in that deep dark place and think that you'll never find your way back to the light. I know what it feels like to fake it everyday, just so you don't worry anyone, just so you can appear normal. I know what it feels like to hate yourself. I've spent this past week thinking about all of these things and being so incredibly thankful for everyone in my life. For my family for my friends becuase I don't know that I would have made it this far without them.
Depression, is such an evil thing, such an awful self distructive thing. It can come on with out a moments notice, like a wave knocking you off your feet, in an instant stealing away your balance and stability. Or it can creep up gradually and before you know it you're curled up in bed unable to get up and face the day. Everyday, normal things become huge insurmountable obstacles. It steals away your sense of self and you're left feeling worthless and unloved. It's my closest friend and very worst enemy. I live in constant fear of it's coming to visit again. Every day I'm feeling better, stronger and more able to handle things again.
Her funeral was last Saturday. It was a beautiful service and it felt very healing to me, like a huge release. Ron's uncle, Dave is in a band and they played several really beautiful songs one of them Amazing Grace, which always gets to me. Several of the things that her family members said about her so reflected the way I think and feel sometimes that it was very eerie. They said that she loved life, she just didn't love herself, I've been trying to like myself better my whole life, it's a terrible thing to have to admit but I've never liked myself very much. Her mother spoke of her faking it every day. I've lived months at a time like that, faking it so that no one sees how black I am on the inside. Faking it so that I don't worry anyone or become a burden.
It's all made me take a very hard look at my life. I don't ever want it to be me in the blue box with my family all around crying. I don't to let the depression rule my life. I want to be stronger than it, I want to be present for my family. I want to make it so that something good can come from this tragedy. It's been such a wake up call for me. I've started working out again and going outside and just working on putting myself back together, piece by piece.
There are so many beautiful things in this world. So many things I've yet to do and discover.
3 comments:
Amanda, this post really touched me. I am so sorry you're dealing with depression, but I am glad you have a plan. I know you will be able to help control it. I really admire you for getting this under control.
I'm so sorry about your family's loss. But I'm grateful that something good has come from it, that you want to take control of your little demons and learn to love yourself.
I've struggled with depression on and off my entire life as well, even as a little girl. But I've learned tricks that help me. Since Chloe's birth I've been on medication. I've tried going off a couple times, but then I start thinking weird again, and know I need to be back on the meds for myself and so I can take the best care of little Chloe.
The biggest things that help me other than the meds, are like you said, working out (especially outside), and you do this too - doing things for other people. Both of these things take my mind off the negative and help my perspective be away from that black hole.
I admire your strength and courage. I think talking about it is HUGE, because it will help you deal with it. Good luck and hugs....
Im sorry you are dealing with depression dear :/ And about their cousin.. It is really sad. I hope you feel better.
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